Once And Now

Once – there was a time you meant the world to me.
Once – when there was no one else I could turn to, you would be there.
Once – you held me without judgment.
Once – your laughter and compassion filled my soul with love and joy.
Once – we could laugh at and with each other.
Once – we were there for each other through the ups and downs.
Now – my life without you in it stretches out before me.
Now – the things we will miss!
Now – you will never get to see me grow and have my children.
Now – I won’t get to watch you fall in love.
Now – you won’t get to see what I am going to accomplish.
Now – I won’t get to watch your boys grow up.
I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss your hugs and your calls. I miss your passion and your grace.
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.


Week 9 Sept. 22 to 28

Symptoms this week:

  • I’ve got pregnancy brain WICKED bad… Holy Lord… Look out world!
  • Aversion to most food related smells or REALLY strong perfume
  • Craving chocolate milk something FIERCE
  • Breast tenderness – a little worse this week
  • Fatigue – comes and goes now
  • Constipation… *sigh* The baby is already smooshing my intestines making it more difficult to “stay regular”


Well – this week was our Dr’s appointment and we found out we have ONE beautiful, healthy baby with a fluttering heart and flailing arms and legs.  I could not be more thrilled. To see the baby on the live image moving all around – baby flipped back and forth, wiggled all around and had a strong and steady heart beat – was breath taking. In the moment that it was happening, I was SO excited, and in describing the moment to people, I was moved to tears. Baby Shaw 9-22-14The baby is measuring exactly where it’s supposed to for it’s age and timeline – so all of our calculations have been correct.

My baby is the size of a cocktail olive this week! (FUN!) Has fingers, toes, eyelids and ears – and is moving around like CRAZY! Not only have I read about how much Baby Shaw is moving right now, but at the Dr’s appointment we SAW it! So active. So healthy and steady.

One of the things I have been craving a lot is chocolate milk – but the chocolate milk you buy in the store has SO much sugar. So… Of course… STACY TO THE RESCUE!! He found out how to make chocolate milk at home with cocoa powder. He added Agave nectar and a little bit of protein powder and… VOILA! Delicious and more nutritious chocolate milk.  It is GLORIOUS. I am sure that I will have at least one a day. Not only are they tasty -but so, SO very filling. I don’t have to eat for AGES afterward – which is awesome because I kind of hate eating right now 😛

I got back to a few very mild sort of crunches at the gym – no pain there, so that’s SUPER good. I was getting wicked sick of just doing planks… ugh. Planks SUCK. Aside from that, and the struggle of actually GETTING out of bed, workouts have continued to go really well. I always feel well worked and accomplished when I get home and throughout the rest of the day. I also know that I’m doing so much good for my body and my baby and that helps me to be motivated.

My very dear friend, Sarah, introduced me to toast with butter AND peanut butter!!! WHAT!?! This is a thing of IMMENSE joy for me right now – OMG – the deliciousness is unparalleled. I kind of wish I didn’t know about it because it’s very addicting. Between that and my home made chocolate milk… I’m in trouble. I can just have that for breakfast for a while and be perfectly content with that. Then once I’m not pregnant, I’ll never want to have anything to do with either of those ever again! HA!

Week Eight Sept. 15 – 21

Symptoms this week:

  • Fatigue – although it DOES seem to be lessening slightly (very slightly)
  • Breast tenderness – also getting slightly better
  • Constipation – good lord what I wouldn’t give to be able to poop!
  • Nausea – this is VERY mild, and I am grateful for that
  • Food aversions: meat, coffee, eggs – anything with too much flavor.
  • Sensitivity to smells – I can tolerate most things, but the smells are MUCH stronger.

Baby was the size of a gummy bear or kidney bean (aawwww!) and has all of his/her joints (fingers, toes, knees, etc…). His/her tail is ALMOST completely gone, and starting to look more human.

Week 8 went by with largely nothing to report.  No major changes this week – no major events. With the increased possibility of multiples, we were highly anticipating our first appointment on Monday the 22nd when we will have an ultrasound and get actual, OFFICIAL confirmation from the Dr’s office that we did, in fact, have a bun (or two or three) in the oven. Both of us are a little nervous to find out how many – while the chance IS elevated, it could also VERY well just be one. We do know this, though: whatever happens will be a blessing and a joy 🙂

This week’s food has gone fairly well – I had a very bad “cheat” sort of day on Tuesday when I had a bunch of fried food, and a dear friend brought me an Eclaire for our lunch date of Friday, which I DEVOURED and felt guilty about later 😛

Week Seven Sept. 8 – 14

Symptoms this week:

  • Nausea
  • Food Aversions (mostly meat – or – anything with protein, unfortunately)
  • Fatigue – oh my GOD the fatigue… I nap ALL. THE. TIME.
  • I can no longer stomach coffee, or my beloved lattes 😥
  • My sensitivity to smells ramped up this week

My baby was the size of a blueberry this week! S/he’s growing by leaps and bounds – and so is my waistline! I am already in maternity pants (which is more likely due to bloating than anything else) but, maternity pants are glorious. I love, love, LOVE them. I can’t fathom why other women resist them so much – they are super comfy, and the ones I got are VERY flattering and stylish.  I am very much looking forward to being able to get more maternity clothes (later when I actually look pregnant, and not just fat) and to show off that baby bump that’s on its way.

Week 7 was… Awful.  It was a lot of trying food, finding that I couldn’t stomach it, or could only take a few bites before I started to gag on it, and then I’d have to stop.  Foods that seem to go down easy are Yogurt (or pretty much anything dairy) and fresh fruit.  Fresh vegetables seem to be OK – but fruit is preferable at this point.  The pit fall I found myself in this week was being starving but the thought of actually eating anything was… Ew. I couldn’t even think about it. I made it through with soups, breads, crackers, yogurt and fruit.  Also – my sweet husband was there to pick up the pieces, offer suggestions, and offer to cook and shop for me when I fell apart.

By the weekend, I pretty much had it figured out – I tired to stay away from meat as much as I could – which Stacy would graciously finish when I reached my fill. To the point that when we went out for breakfast with friends on Sunday, I ordered what sounded good to me and Stacy just finished the rest – which, incidentally – made breakfast much cheaper ;).

I felt good about moving into week 8 – with a plan for food I could eat, and a hope for finding protein that I could get down.


Week Six – Sept. 1-6

Symptoms this week:

  • Breast tenderness (still need VERY gentle hugs)
  • Fatigue (still… this is doing nothing good for my social life 😉 )
  • Frequent urination (very inconvenient – especially at night)
  • Lower abdominal pain (still intermittent and that pain only lasts moments when it happens)
  • “Pregnancy brain” getting a smidge worse this week…

SUCCESS!!! We have a resolution to the earlier mentioned water problem! We simply FLAVOR THE WATER! “But doesn’t that have sugar and chemicals, too?” you say… But no, sir! It does NOT! Not when you’re using cucumbers and lemons! That’s right folks! Cucumber lemon water it is for me.  9 months of drinking water flavored by delicious fruits and vegetables? Now THAT I can handle! 😀

A few weeks ago, I had started working with a personal trainer/life coach.  He had been working with me on physical fitness, so, we work out together, and also helping to change my diet and eating habits. One of the things I had decided on (before I got pregnant) was to try to do a sugar fast – which kind of ended up a carb and sugar fast (since carbs get turned immediately into sugar… stupid carbs…) But anyway – this sort of morphed into this four week program where you start out with essentially no carbs, and then gradually add carbs back in.  So… I started this “meal plan” on Tuesday of week six and… it did NOT go well. First of all – your body detoxing from carbs… well… it SUCKS.  Your body detoxing from carbs while you’re PREGNANT!?!? Holy shit, no. Also… this could NOT have been worse timing on my part, because week six is generally when nausea or morning sickness usually starts. So… Week six got off to a rocky start, and went from bad to worse.

My adoring husband, however, in an effort to try to be supportive, dutifully ate what I made for him (even though I couldn’t) and appropriately scolded me on a day that I only ate 1,000 calories.  Also in an effort to support me, he tried to find foods I could stomach (i.e. NOT meat) to no avail.  Nothing sounded good, and the things that DID sound good, I would sit down to eat, and they just… wouldn’t go down.  By Saturday night, I decided to abandon the “meal plan” and just stick to real foods (so, as little processed food as possible) and still try to plan out and cook meals at home whenever possible.  So far, this is going pretty well.

There are times I have an idea for something, I prepare it, sit down to eat it and…. I can’t get it down… Aaaaahhhhhhh, the joys of growing a human… *sigh*.

Week Five – Aug 25 – 31

Symptoms This Week:

  • Fatigue (still… I’m so ready to be done with that)
  • Breast tenderness (still need VERY gentle hugs)
  • Frequent urination (who has TIME for this many bathroom breaks! SHEESH!)
  • Lower abdominal pain (don’t be alarmed, it’s only when sneezing or contracting those muscles in a severe way – so – no more crunches at the gym…)
  • Maybe a TOUCH of “pregnancy brain” beginning to rear it’s forgetful head…

Aaaah! Week Five. This feels more “legit” when people ask.

“How far along are you?”

“Five weeks.”

It somehow seems more… viable? I don’t know – I’m not sure it makes much sense outside of my over active brain, but… It feels more normal.

This week, I realized that I had fully and actually and FOR REAL missed my period. Not only had I missed it, but it had been missed by over a week – so – no chance of it just being late. I was really and TRULY pregnant.  This was the week that it started to sink in a little more.  The friends that I had told were checking in with me periodically asking me how I was feeling, and while I was having symptoms, they weren’t related to “morning sickness” no nausea or food aversions, nothing like that – which is what I think everyone was waiting for.

At still four more weeks until the first ultra sound, there was still a lot of uncertainty and fear this week – although – with every day there is MORE certainty – we made it through the day with no catastrophes – thank God.

Week Four – Aug 18-24

Symptoms this week:

  • Breast tenderness (OMG! OW! Please hug me GENTLY)
  • Frequent urination – I did NOT expect this so early in pregnancy. I thought that came later when there was a full grown baby sitting on your bladder, but no. I am in the bathroom every 20 minutes, I swear.
  • FATIGUE – good LORD I did not know it was possible to be this tired.  Just four weeks? Are you sure? 😉

The day I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF TOPS! I wanted to post our cute little pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I wanted to tell anyone who would listen… I did tell a handful of people, including my parents, my sister and my closest friends (which, if you know me, is not a small number of people).  I am a share-er by nature (major extrovert, here) and so, keeping this to myself was IMMENSELY difficult.  I knew there were reasons to wait, however, and my ever pragmatic husband encouraged me (in the most loving way possible) that I should wait until after our first ultra sound to post our adorable FB announcement.  Since it was, after all, his decision as well, I graciously acquiesced to his request and did NOT post my announcement when I was just four weeks and one day pregnant.

Week four went by in kind of a haze of euphoria and terror – in between the times that I straight up FORGOT that I was pregnant.  There was really just one symptom that I was having consistently and it didn’t really effect anything while I was sitting at my desk for long stretches, so there were times I didn’t feel, nor remember that I was pregnant.  I was also still not convinced that it was 100% real – I was still waiting for my period to show up, albeit pretty late, and every time I went to the bathroom I sent up a silent little prayer in hopes that I was still pregnant.

This back and forth and EXTREME range of emotions was NOT good for me, nor the human life that I was housing in my womb.  I tried many relaxation techniques from deep breathing, to thankfulness, to tapping. Nothing really seemed to work – it would work in the moment, and I would feel some relief, but the terror that I felt at even the possibility of losing this precious miracle was… almost paralyzing. It was hard to move through it to the joy that I knew was behind it.

Aside from these emotions, week four came with assessing my diet – specifically my liquid intake.  I am a HUGE fan of caffeine (shocking, I know) and many of the drinks I would consume during the day had caffeine in them. Not just my daily cup of coffee (which I did not, have not and WILL not cut from my diet) I would usually drink Arnold Palmer’s throughout my days.  Since that drink contains iced tea, and has caffeine, and I knew I wasn’t cutting out my morning caffeine, I knew I had to come up with something else.  Here’s the thing: almost EVERY drink you can buy in a grocery store is PACKED with sugar.  If not sugar (diet, or “healthy” or whatever they label it) it would have some sort of artificial sweetener that I couldn’t have, or inSANE chemicals that I didn’t want to feed to my very fragile embryo.  So I was left with… water. I. Hate. Water.

The Problem With Water:

Water  is gross. “But water doesn’t taste like anything.” Yes. Yes it does. I can’t tell you what it tastes LIKE, but it has it’s own distinct flavor, and I don’t LIKE IT! I never have – this is not a weird pregnancy quirk.  My mom had the HARDEST time getting me to drink water when I was a kid, because I didn’t like how it tasted.  This has not changed much in my adult life.  I drink water (sometimes) because I HAVE to. Because it’s GOOD for you. Because without it, you shrivel up and die – well OK, not really – but still! God I hate water.  The idea of the next NINE months with only water as a beverage choice… It made me gag and shudder.  I declared this dilemma to my loving husband, who dutifully looked at juices nutrition labels for the next week and a half or so.  In the mean time – I was stuck with – that’s right… water. Ugh.