Category Archives: Personal

Weeks 16 through 20 Nov. 10 – Dec. 14

WOW! I’ve majorly slacked on blogging about my pregnancy! It’s been a wild and crazy ride. So, let me just catch up on what it is that I CAN remember from the last 4 weeks:

  • Week 16 was the week I lost my job – probably why my blogging dropped off so much at that point. At this point in time, I do NOT remember any symptoms or… really anything other than shock for that week.
  • Week 17 was a little better emotionally, as we were preparing to go to New York the following week to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with family.
  • Week 18 was PHENOMENAL! I thought I maybe, MIGHT have felt the baby move, but… in retrospect, I don’t think that’s what it was at all.  I do remember that I started to notice some bathroom issues – like I’d have to go pee SO BADLY, OMG EMERGENCY and then it would be the slightest tinkle…. *sigh* A baby on your bladder – these are the way things go 😛
  • Week 19 was filled with MUCH anticipation and excitement for the coming Anatomy Scan ultrasound where we would find out the baby’s sex.  This week went by in a crazy blur of excitement and nerves.  Excitement to get to meet and see my little one and make sure everything was OK.  Nerves because, OMG what if everything is NOT OK!  It happens before every Dr’s appointment – I try not to let it get to me too much.
  • WEEK 20!

We have arrived! We are (sort of) caught up on the weeks and now we know we are expecting a beautiful baby boy! 10 fingers, 10 toes, fully functioning systems of all kinds (heart, brain, kidneys… you name it, they looked at it!).  The appointment was hilarious and awesome.  Stacy and I were joined by my best friend Sarah, so were all there when he revealed his boy parts to us. Stacy does not typically show excitement outwardly, so if you were observing him, you might say that he wasn’t excited – but I know him well enough that I know he TOTALLY was.  Not to mention the links I got sent later that day with the Superman and Batman onesies that he wants to register for for our little man.

Here is the announcement we shared with all of our friends and loved ones:

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We are SO super thrilled to get to welcome our little boy into the world in April. I can’t wait to share him with all of you!!!

Week 20 has been a little tough when it comes to symptoms…. I threw up for the first time this week – it was NOT pleasant.  I’m not sure if it was pregnancy related or to do with something I ate or…. the possibilities are endless.  Thankfully, it has passed and I am feeling much, MUCH better.

In more exciting news, I for SURE felt the baby move this week! Not only that, but once I felt it, I couldn’t UNfeel it! That kid is moving All. THE. TIME.  Holy mcshcmoley!!! It is a feeling that fills me with awe, and kinda’ tickles a little, tee hee 😀

This whole pregnancy journey has been one of excitement and terror.  Being a mom, having a baby, raising a contributing member of society – it has been something I have wanted for SO LONG, and now that it’s here…. it’s scaring the SHIT out of me.  I am told this is completely normal and that I should only be worried if I don’t have that “Oh my God am I really ready for this” feeling.  Which I have. In spades. So… apparently, I’m good to go.

That is where I will leave you for now, my friends.  I apologize for the combined post, and the delay in posting. I will try to be better about it going forward.

 

Once And Now

Once – there was a time you meant the world to me.
Once – when there was no one else I could turn to, you would be there.
Once – you held me without judgment.
Once – your laughter and compassion filled my soul with love and joy.
Once – we could laugh at and with each other.
Once – we were there for each other through the ups and downs.
Now – my life without you in it stretches out before me.
Now – the things we will miss!
Now – you will never get to see me grow and have my children.
Now – I won’t get to watch you fall in love.
Now – you won’t get to see what I am going to accomplish.
Now – I won’t get to watch your boys grow up.
I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss your hugs and your calls. I miss your passion and your grace.
I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

A Broken Heart

Sometimes I think of you. I think of your laugh and your smile. I think of your hair and how it reflected your cool and funky spirit.  I think of the pleasure you took in little things.  I think of how well you knew me.

Sometimes I wonder what you might be doing now.  Have you just gone on without another thought of me? Does your heart and spirit rest easy knowing how you broke mine?

It’s common knowledge that when a bone is broken, it heals stronger in the place where it broke.  I have seen many sentiments that suggest hearts are the same way.  A broken heart that has healed is stronger in the places where it broke.  I don’t think that’s true. I think a broken heart heals and the pattern of scars that are crackled through it falter more easily. It doesn’t take much. A street we were once on together. A food or restaurant we once shared. Even some smells – make those stitched up wounds tear and bleed.

The pain lances through me, hot and fast. It takes my breath away.  My heart falters and skips a beat.  Sometimes – even all this time later – it still makes me tear up a little. Although now… Now I am sad at the loss of YOU. All of the pain and anger and blame have gone.  Now I just feel an emptiness where you once were.

I feel the absence of you in my spirit and in my soul. Someone I thought I’d never lose. Someone I thought would be near me always. Someone I will, no matter how much time passes, hold space for in my heart.

Things I Love

I was sitting at my desk and counting my blessings. I am so fortunate to have all that I do and be surrounded by amazing people who love and support me even when I’m in my crankiest moods.  Here are some things that lift my spirits, no matter my mood:

*Coffee (specifically, vanilla non-fat lattes)

The feeling that seems to fill my soul when I take that first sip of coffee in the morning is not something that I can adequately describe.  It makes me feel… fulfilled and whole in a way that no other beverage can.

*Coffee mugs

Mugs that are designed REALLY well – where the drinker has really been considered.  When it’s balanced just right, and the feel of it in your hand is like coming home.  It makes you feel warm and welcome on a dark winter’s day, or makes you feel fearless and ready to face the day on a cool summer morning – before the sun has heated up the world and the dew still clings to the nature around you.

*Red Wine

GOOD red wine – none of that 2 buck chuck business.  Wine that is complemented by its smell in just the right way.  That compliments the food you’re eating and brings out the excellence in all of the flavor combinations.

*GOOD wine glasses (properly proportioned and shaped for the wine they hold)

This goes back to the smelling. If a wine glass isn’t proportioned correctly to be able to breathe, you will lose out on the complimentary smell (which is often INCREDIBLE in the correct glass)

*Fire and wood smoke

I love ALL parts of fire. I love the colors and the heat and the smell and the atmosphere that it creates.

*Good books

Books that pull you in and don’t let you go. The kind that make your heart race, make you grip the arm of your chair tighter, that make you sit up straighter, that make you SOB hysterically – whether because something WONDERFUL or HORRIBLE happened. I love the feeling of suspense that it creates and how your WHOLE WORLD comes to a GRINDING halt until you know what’s happened and can move on.

*Show tunes

I’m not really sure WHY I love them so much – I grew up listening to show tunes, and as a result I have MANY of them memorized.  Really at any given time you can play a song from a show and I will be able to identify it (and probably sing the whole thing – but you let me do that at your own peril).

*Spreadsheets

I don’t know WHY I like spreadsheets either – the order of it all maybe?  They just make me really, REALLY happy.

*REALLY good food.

I don’t mean just “good food” I mean the kind of food that makes you close your eyes and MOAN it’s so good. The kind that makes you drool.

*Swimming

I love the way you can just… let it all go. It’s like meditation, but with movement.  When you’re swimming, nothing can get to you. You’re in the water and it flows around all smooth and fast.

*Spending time with friends

I am an extrovert by nature – so the way that I recharge is to be around PEOPLE.  I am a PEOPLE person.  After an evening with friends, I feel like I could take on the world.

*Plans

I don’t mean making plans with friends (although I love that too) I mean when there is a PLAN in PLACE.  It doesn’t have to be a BIG plan, by any means.  Sometimes my plans go something like “Ok, we’ll watch a show, then we’ll tidy up the kitchen, then we’ll get into bed and watch Daily and Colbert.”  PLAN. DONE. BOOM.

*Calendars

This relates to me being an extrovert and also to plans and spreadsheets.  Really, a calendar is just a spreadsheet in a specific format.  It tracks PLANS for spending time with FRIENDS.  How could I NOT love calendars??

*Long phone calls with old friends

The chance to get to catch up with someone you haven’t spoken with in a long time.  It’s such a good feeling – it makes me feel connected and re-charged.  I love when I have the time to devote to JUST talking to someone for the specific reason of catching up – it’s a rare and joyous situation.

*Being of assistance

I just love to facilitate getting things done (this is LESS true for myself and in my own home – as my husband will attest) but overall, if I can facilitate giving you information so that you can figure something out, or so that it makes something better?  I love that feeling.  My signature sign off at work is “please let me know if I can be of any further assistance.”  It’s one of the things that brings me great joy – is to make someone ELSE’s life easier.